What ifs and should haves

In the wake of popping news reports on government’s negligence in recording health hazard victims, this is my account on my ongoing struggle with TB, being a onetime Intestinal TB survivor and a Multi drug resistant TB patient now (drug resistant is when your body is resistant to potent TB drugs ). This write up comes from someone who has already disappeared. Who has vanished from short family gatherings, college, workplace, cafe, crowd and anywhere there are people. But she has only taken a break, a break that she doesn’t want to get extended anymore. Because today she can’t take a gratifying arm stretch every morning, she throws up at the very sight of breakfast; she is rushed to the hospital every afternoon for painful injections that she can’t bear. Evenings are nightmares to her, pills are harder to take, she is acrophobic and germaphobic, there is tingling under her feet, crushing pain in the bones, unstoppable coughing ,rashes all over her body, buzzing in the ears, blurred v

Hi❤ Isn't it disheartening  to see that even being a society having large amount of people struggling with their mental afflictions ,we still haven't  recognised how complicated the subject is.  I was asked to ignore negativity and focus on the positive side of my illness,to not make a big deal out of the mental pressure. Well, its all done with the best of benevolence in them. But in the real world of experiencing this... I am no way planning to romanticise my MDR TB drug induced mental imbalance. That's why I asked for a therapist. I insisted to discuss whats going on in my head. I wouldn't hide to discuss the dangers and pain tb causes just to make things look good. we can only initiate discourse on this by passing the mic to the people with original experiences. Also at times someone's made up tips to overcome depression not substantiated by any scientific approach might draw attention and lead a huge amount of ppl to not give clinical attention to their is

Hi y'all,  so, In the initial stages of my diagnosis, my doctor after analysing the results of the CB-NAAT, declared me having MDR TB. It did not shock me since I desperately wanted answers to my unstoppable coughing , vomiting, anxieties and everything that I hated. At last there was an answer. Having massive trust in modern medication I convinced my family that all the prescribed  daily injections are okay and oral pills are fine. I was mentally well prepared. But when it started , in the second month I went to a pace of complete denial. No fact findings , nor medical jargons made sense to me. I kept questioning doctors for putting me in such a mess which they called treatment.  Most of the afflictions were drug induced.Whenever in senses, I started looking for more details about people who have faced similar phase in life. I found some brave hearts. I have completed three months of medication due to the support of these faces( with whom I am in constant communication ) .

The mental struggle is the hardest, Isolated or not you feel lonely, not been able to engage with the world I used to, here;  music doesn't help, neither book reading. Drugs trick you to a grim state, we might think we could outsmart it; but nope, it taunts, bringing an imagery of all the sufferings of the world, it mocks constantly  reminding you that there are a lot out there struggling; you never gave thoughts on them, did you? Until it caught you.

Here it is to X'mas eve, here it is to new year cheers, coz its definitely not TB day there's three or more months for TB day Big B campaigns rule that day policies come in banners of art leaders who wear gold breathe some different air.. But  we breathe and cough under the statues they build..  Ain't it their strategy to shoot issues over issues,  that let u forget little girl Vedha died of TB,right here in Kerala, highest literacy rate couldn't  notice Vedha coz TB is not fancy, But today is  no world TB day, its no March 24, Today is the time of carol cheers and santa lies Xmas booze is okay, you all get drunk its okay, I cough, crawl and throw up, so its soo much more like xmas.. Is it 2030 ? No its only 2019 nearing. 2030 is the end tb target year. But India sees 2025 the target year. Our PM tweeted,there he promised. But we were also promised some 15lakhs in money, all other promises vanishing into thin air, what we breathe is clearly toxic. Ever

My parent's  friends of friend's of friend at the hospital : oh poor you! With mask n all, Allergy? Me: nope. Its MDR-TB stay away with your child or get a mask. My parents(laughing ): u should stop freaking out ppl like that, u can get away with it, u have a mask to hide faces. * cringe*.

Hi y'all To all the angry messages, ppl who have cut me off, blocked from social sites or the ones waiting for my apologies for not keeping in touch. I have been wanting to write to all since oct 5th when my treatment started, have not been in my senses these days. I write this post as my doc said to not make my illness very public. The villain is back, this time freakishingly strong. I was diagnosed with Intestinal TB in 2015 which was cured. The  treatment resulted in some side effects like depression, visual disturbances and forgetfulness. This time the illness is back in the form of MDR-TB which is  Multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis. This killer disease comes with worse treatment side effects like hearing loss, memory issues, depression n so on. I have terrible mental imbalance, mood swings and pain from medicines and daily injections. For now i am not able to write, read and register things due to high medicine dosages. I understand that there is a lot stigma around tb, soci