What ifs and should haves

In 2018 when started with the medication for drug resistant tuberculosis since then I had not been outside other than taking hospital visits for the injections n monitoring of the sideffects frm the meds. And I am certain that there are many like me, isolated for years or months. Disoriented and confused by all the detachment frm everything. So these quarantine tips, writeups on how to kill time in isolation, or how sad physical distancing is, all this brimming on my timeline angers me. Coz,  there had been infectious illnesses and ppl suffering frm it, chronic illnesses and it's survivors talking abt this, all this dancing over ur head and only now when there's a deadly virus around ,and it's spread is quite alot visible, so all are like,awww I am sad and lonely I need to stay inside my home, doing nothing. But killer diseases like tuberculosis, drug resistant tuberculosis are swept under the carpet. Lives in isolation for years, deaths, none bats an eye.  Out of many stor...

🖤28-06-2020💜 After some two months or so approx I would bore the person and the person leaves; thats my usual friendship pattern. But its been different with pavam Sneha and rebel who stay despite me being awkward and grumpy all the time.  Aswin D Rebel and Sneha Sn are the ones to whom I have taken out all of my emotions to and I am not sure how many times I have lashed out at them. After every angry scene I would check on their accounts to see whether I am blocked but they only send memes,  make stickers and act weird so its always super comfortable with these two. Yesterday they brought these beautiful flowers (actually saplings that I later planted) and a lovely cake !  At 12am my parents wished me with some cupcakes, my sister made a photowall for me and people whom I have huge respect for, whom I thought might not even know I even existed wished me love in such difficult times,  yesterday was good that I am taking printouts of these pictures, wishes, messages...

Tuberculosis is all around here, the very place we exist,whereever we are. It destroys all our designs, affects many things, it keeps us away from our work, people, specially from 'then friends',  relationships, career. Even takes away all the smiles, replace them with grins, unpleasant ones. It involves oppression, for you will be shrunk to the very definition of the illness, it involves people passing comments, uneasy questions, some will appear as saviors, some give motivational speeches , the illness has everything, the power, the reach,the bacteria got a way with everything that happens with you. When the patient takes the responsibility of sticking to the treatment, to the very traumatizing treatment, when we mask ourselves to not let that bacteria go anywhere else but get killed inside us what we get in return is a long list of wrong assumptions about the same. The medical reason for physical isolation maybe unavoidable but what cannot be understood is the mental isol...

A note from an MDR TB patient, On: why the petition filed by drug resistant TB survivors deserves full on support and solidarity . We are witnessing a vital step taken by the drug resistant Tb survivors, challenging the massive monopoly of the pharma giant Johnson and Johnson, regarding the patent extension of the vital drug in treating MDR-TB. This huge step is initiated by two TB warriors who have battled and won the traumatizing treatment of drug resistant TB .The petition is filed by Nandita Venkitesan  from India and Phumeza Tisile from South Africa. This could be a wakeup call for all of us to look into the troublesome period that TB patients across the world go through. The fact that anyone out there who is breathing is prone to tuberculosis is sad but a bitter truth. The ending of TB, supporting the endeavours that helps in eliminating TB, fight against stigmatising the same etc..require support of all of us. It shouldn’t be a subject left to people related to the dise...

In the wake of popping news reports on government’s negligence in recording health hazard victims, this is my account on my ongoing struggle with TB, being a onetime Intestinal TB survivor and a Multi drug resistant TB patient now (drug resistant is when your body is resistant to potent TB drugs ). This write up comes from someone who has already disappeared. Who has vanished from short family gatherings, college, workplace, cafe, crowd and anywhere there are people. But she has only taken a break, a break that she doesn’t want to get extended anymore. Because today she can’t take a gratifying arm stretch every morning, she throws up at the very sight of breakfast; she is rushed to the hospital every afternoon for painful injections that she can’t bear. Evenings are nightmares to her, pills are harder to take, she is acrophobic and germaphobic, there is tingling under her feet, crushing pain in the bones, unstoppable coughing ,rashes all over her body, buzzing in the ears, blurred v...

Hi❤ Isn't it disheartening  to see that even being a society having large amount of people struggling with their mental afflictions ,we still haven't  recognised how complicated the subject is.  I was asked to ignore negativity and focus on the positive side of my illness,to not make a big deal out of the mental pressure. Well, its all done with the best of benevolence in them. But in the real world of experiencing this... I am no way planning to romanticise my MDR TB drug induced mental imbalance. That's why I asked for a therapist. I insisted to discuss whats going on in my head. I wouldn't hide to discuss the dangers and pain tb causes just to make things look good. we can only initiate discourse on this by passing the mic to the people with original experiences. Also at times someone's made up tips to overcome depression not substantiated by any scientific approach might draw attention and lead a huge amount of ppl to not give clinical attention to their is...

Hi y'all,  so, In the initial stages of my diagnosis, my doctor after analysing the results of the CB-NAAT, declared me having MDR TB. It did not shock me since I desperately wanted answers to my unstoppable coughing , vomiting, anxieties and everything that I hated. At last there was an answer. Having massive trust in modern medication I convinced my family that all the prescribed  daily injections are okay and oral pills are fine. I was mentally well prepared. But when it started , in the second month I went to a pace of complete denial. No fact findings , nor medical jargons made sense to me. I kept questioning doctors for putting me in such a mess which they called treatment.  Most of the afflictions were drug induced.Whenever in senses, I started looking for more details about people who have faced similar phase in life. I found some brave hearts. I have completed three months of medication due to the support of these faces( with whom I am in constant communic...

The mental struggle is the hardest, Isolated or not you feel lonely, not been able to engage with the world I used to, here;  music doesn't help, neither book reading. Drugs trick you to a grim state, we might think we could outsmart it; but nope, it taunts, bringing an imagery of all the sufferings of the world, it mocks constantly  reminding you that there are a lot out there struggling; you never gave thoughts on them, did you? Until it caught you.

Here it is to X'mas eve, here it is to new year cheers, coz its definitely not TB day there's three or more months for TB day Big B campaigns rule that day policies come in banners of art leaders who wear gold breathe some different air.. But  we breathe and cough under the statues they build..  Ain't it their strategy to shoot issues over issues,  that let u forget little girl Vedha died of TB,right here in Kerala, highest literacy rate couldn't  notice Vedha coz TB is not fancy, But today is  no world TB day, its no March 24, Today is the time of carol cheers and santa lies Xmas booze is okay, you all get drunk its okay, I cough, crawl and throw up, so its soo much more like xmas.. Is it 2030 ? No its only 2019 nearing. 2030 is the end tb target year. But India sees 2025 the target year. Our PM tweeted,there he promised. But we were also promised some 15lakhs in money, all other promises vanishing into thin air, what we breathe is clearly tox...

My parent's  friends of friend's of friend at the hospital : oh poor you! With mask n all, Allergy? Me: nope. Its MDR-TB stay away with your child or get a mask. My parents(laughing ): u should stop freaking out ppl like that, u can get away with it, u have a mask to hide faces. * cringe*.

Hi y'all To all the angry messages, ppl who have cut me off, blocked from social sites or the ones waiting for my apologies for not keeping in touch. I have been wanting to write to all since oct 5th when my treatment started, have not been in my senses these days. I write this post as my doc said to not make my illness very public. The villain is back, this time freakishingly strong. I was diagnosed with Intestinal TB in 2015 which was cured. The  treatment resulted in some side effects like depression, visual disturbances and forgetfulness. This time the illness is back in the form of MDR-TB which is  Multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis. This killer disease comes with worse treatment side effects like hearing loss, memory issues, depression n so on. I have terrible mental imbalance, mood swings and pain from medicines and daily injections. For now i am not able to write, read and register things due to high medicine dosages. I understand that there is a lot stigma around tb,...