Love kunjan

Messaging me 'You dont look sick', is not a compliment. Its infact  triggering to me as some of my relatives already pass comments like that showing disbelief about my illness. From the initial days of the pre xdr regimen i. e 2019, with increase in the duration of the medication, my fear also increased, we had tried to explain things to our relatives about how the regimen, sideffects affect physically, mentally and financially. My relatives and grandparents had always showed their very visible hatred to me and so the illness didnt do any good to the mess. With a lot of cries and breakdowns my gandparents were shifted to our aunt's place since I coudnt breathe or walk around in fear of infecting them. Cutting of these ties made me feel better in head. And some months passed now  and I am starting to walk around the house, starting to understand things and I look different now, I have gained weight, my skin is darker. So followed the problem, how come she has gained weight and still be sick, how come she is walking aroung and still be sick, how come she is smiling and still be sick, she dont look sick, how come she is surviving without a job. So one comment led to another and I was declared tb free by my relatives who brought my grandparents back home and amidst the covid19 issues my head is one big hell hole that has all the illogical, intrusive thoughts, frightening fears, one big thud sound outside will have me shaking my hands, racing anxiety and my parents and sister somehow prepare to deal with this on one side and on the other side is how I am already fine and only I didnt know. You know when fat dark skinned women without job, money and an illness like drug resistance tb tries to get things together its not how they show it in movies where things get better in one song sequel. 

Relieved to have kunjan😻😼 who is helping me make sense of things.

June. 2020.